I really hate feeling ignored by people and I’ve been feeling ignored so much in recent weeks. It’s so frustrating. Not literally every person I’ve contacted but about 85% of people I’ve tried to connect with or reach out to or even just share a joke with ignores me. Just straight up ignore. People have been ignoring my phones calls (yeah, i even called people and got nothing), they’ve been ignoring my texts, ignoring my emails, ignoring my FB posts, ignoring my tumblr, ingoring my OKC, fucking pretending like I don’t exist.
I know I’ve spent the last few years becoming increasingly agoraphobic and depressed but I’m trying really hard to make new friends. I want to go out frequently (have for, like, a month) and I barely left the house except to come to Ohio. I’m still trying to make friends or even just talk to people who are local to Ithaca but that’s pretty difficult to do from two states away. And even that I’m accomplishing! I don’t except people to drop shit and hang out all the time or for people to always be paying my way to go out but fuck man. Suzy and Je have been out a bunch of times in the past month and I’ve been out zero. But hey! Instead of getting to go on my date thingy after spending the day primping and dressing I got to have a panic attack get so bad that I had an out of body experience for several minutes and watched myself freak the fuck out by myself….because no one would answer my messages or take me seriously that I was having a real medical issue and not just being a whiney attention seeking brat so I got to spend the entire night alone and was then lectured the next day. Then once people finally shut the fuck up so they could listen to me, Je apologized for not taking me seriously. Which is all well and good but I made that clear as shit that night and I don’t really give a fuck that now you validate my feelings. I don’t need validation that it was real and terrifying because it fucking happened to me. I did the right thing and I tried to reach out to the literal only support I had that could drive but I was treated like I was psycho. Nah, I was going through something close to psychosis that I had no control over.
I also get that I’m maybe more interested in being friends with some people than they are with me but it’s a little cold to just not ever respond to any of my shit, especially when I can see that these friends are all talking to each other. Or I know they’re hanging out because I see the FB posts. Yay everyone else is getting to do shit/have fun and I only get to be told I’m not trying hard enough. Or have people trying to take over my life (bitch you ain’t me and you never will be. i run this fucking club.) but who ignore me when I try to reach out to them. It’s just really frustrating that people who I know are nice people are being such inconsiderate assholes to me. Like, tell me if you want me to leave you alone or shut the fuck up. It’s not that I can’t get the hint if you just don’t acknowledge me because I do but that makes you look like a shitty friend, not me. Plus, if you don’t want to talk to me but don’t tell me, I’ll probably send you another message or two to make sure my phone didn’t just eat the message. I’m glad that most of my side effects have gone away now that I’ve hit the month threshold but it’ll probably be another two weeks until I get the full effects of the medication. Maybe by that time every single one of my friends will be hanging out and ignoring me all together. Fingers crossed!
I’m not entirely as upset as this is coming across, I’m still in a pretty good mood, but for fucks sake. Strangers on the internet are paying about 100% more attention to me than people I’ve known for upwards of a decade. That’s frustrating as shit but because I can’t even get people I know to respond to well thought out nice/clever messages or whatever, how am I supposed to ask people to be a teeny bit more supportive? I know I’m on this journey to mental wellness by myself but when so many people imply that they’ll be cheering me on from the sidelines, I expected at least of couple of them to show up at least some of the time.
I mean, I’m spending (more or less) a fucking month in Ohio and I won’t have a car for a large portion of that. Plus I get to drive back to Ithaca next week and then almost immediately come right back to Ohio. Cuz it’s not like I have friends in Ithaca. I actually do have social engagements but I’ve had to fuck myself over there due to poor communication about the expected length of this trip. My gentle dreaded giant who was going to be my new best friend texted me about getting together this weekend because I was going to be back. But now we won’t ever get to hang out because by the time I’m allowed back in Ithaca, he’ll have moved back to LA. Cool. I’ve had to reschedule two other social engagements and I’m pretty sure another of one those are going to fall through because why waste time with people who appear flaky? So that’s pretty awesome. That’ll bring my total to three new friends I thought I made in the past month to zero current friends due to reasons.
Is everyone I know really just a selfish piece of shit asshole? Maybe.
I’m so fucking lonely. I just want a person to talk to in person. I’m fucking awesome! I’m the shit! I have a butt tattooed on my butt! Who wouldn’t want to be friends with me?